The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, “The Unattractive Guy’s Guide To Relationships.” It is forthcoming because I am still writing it.

Sometimes, in moments of quiet desperation and loneliness, the unattractive guy looks deep into his soul and contemplates the unthinkable. “Maybe I should just turn gay.” Assuming he is not already.

Kinsey estimated that about ten percent of the population was homosexual. Today, I would place that estimate at about eighty percent, if the programming on Bravo is any indication.

Being gay just seems so appealing these days. Gay men are witty, sophisticated, and fabulous dressers. Plus they always have women with them. It’s a sobering thought that I would actually have more women around if I were gay.

The gay lifestyle is so alluring. Who wouldn’t want to be instantly popular, have an impeccably decorated apartment, and live in the most well-kept urban areas? There are a lot of really cool things about being gay.

Well, except one.

Let me explain where I stand on the issue of penetration. Ain’t nobody sticking nothing in me nowhere, no way, no how.

So I’m not allowed to be gay. They put you on probation if you only want to pitch. The whole system breaks down if everyone’s a pitcher. Somebody’s got to catch. “Guess what? It’s your turn inside the barrel.”

This is how I envision gay foreplay:

“Let’s have sex.”

“All right!”

“You catch.”

“Aw, come on! I had to catch yesterday!”

This is the dirty little secret among gay men. Nobody really likes to catch. There are probably eight guys in the whole world that “elect to receive,” so to speak. And those poor bastards never get to leave the house. They spend their entire day suspended between two other men like a roll of paper towels.

It’s too bad, really. Because I’ve seen Pride parades. There are some uuuuuugly guys out there. And they’re all getting more action than I am. Life can be so unfair.