My secret has been exposed

BUENOS AIRES (Reuters) – January 28, 2010 – Argentina’s president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday, saying she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork.

“I’ve just been told something I didn’t know; that eating pork improves your sex life … I’d say it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra,” President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry.

She said she recently ate pork and “things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true.”

Damn. I had been hoping to keep this to myself. After all, it’s always been quite fun to grin knowingly when friends inquire as to how I, a middle-aged man in less-than-stellar physical condition, manage to keep that smile of delight on the face of my new bride. Or on mornings when I meet one of our elderly condo neighbors in the hallway, after a multi-hour symphony of plaster walls shuddering and orgasmic shrieking issuing forth from our unit, as they shake their heads and say, “Boy, sounds like you guys had fun last night!”

Speculation on the source of my amazing sexual prowess has focused on everything from oysters to protein shakes to Zen meditation. And I would always just smile broadly and remain silent. Besides, if I told the truth, no one would have believed me anyway.

But now, simply because Argentinean President Cristina Fernandez can’t keep her big mouth shut, I have no choice but to share my closely guarded secret. The jig is up, as they say. Here, then, is the real reason my lady is in a state of constant erotic ecstasy.

Honestly, I wasn’t keeping this a secret purely out of selfishness. Pfizer is a very large and powerful pharmaceutical company, and I didn’t want them blaming me for the decimation of Viagra sales once word got out that a guy could spend $2.25 on a sandwich and then go home and shtup his significant other until sunup.

Then again, this is terrific news for McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE: MCD). Maybe I’ll just let them and Pfizer battle it out amongst themselves. That would be a fair fight.

Besides, maybe now McDonald’s will finally give the McRib a permanent spot on the menu, instead of only offering it for five weeks once every two years. Of course now they’d have to put disclaimers and warning labels on each sandwich. “Do not consume sandwich if you have chest pains or preexisting cardiovascular disease. Vasodilatory results not guaranteed. In case of erections lasting more than four hours, reduce dosage to no more than 2 sandwiches per day.”

Pfizer could, of course, push back by making some simple modifications to their advertising.

In the end, I expect both companies will settle for a co-branding arrangement. Pfizer has a lot of other drugs in their arsenal, and there is plenty of space available on the McRib box for product placement. I suggest Caduet and Lomotil, two fine Pfizer products designed to treat high cholesterol and diarrhea, respectively. It would be a triumph of targeted marketing.

Comments are closed.